The End is Near

Well...today is June 23rd. I have 23 more days left here in La Plata and 26 more days until I see my beautiful family, friends, and home that I miss so dearly.

I haven't written anything in a really long time. I definitely didn't accomplish my once-a-week blog post goal. There is something about posting on my blog these days that seems difficult. It feels somewhat like a chore. It used to be something that helped me when I felt stressed out and needed to get my feelings and thoughts out. The first few months of my exchange are probably documented in ten different places, written out in some form. At the beginning, every free minute I had was spent writing. Writing everything, everywhere. I wrote in a journal about every little thought I had, everything that happened each and every day. In school, I even wrote in my notebook about Bend in an English essay format just so I could feel like I was doing something school related, because understanding biology in Spanish was out of the question. I wrote letters to all the people that crossed my mind. I would tell them about how I missed them, how everything about life seemed so difficult and how I didn't know how I was going to get through the year. Some of the letters I sent home, some of them I stored away, and some were just so pointless I just threw them away. Writing letters made me begin to realize what all the people in my life meant to me. Who is a real friend, who supports me, who I look up to, who I feel protective of, who I want to impress, and even who I would be better off without. Writing was my stress reliever; it was my outlet. At the beginning of a year abroad, the most difficult part is not being able to express your feelings to those around you. I'm sure any exchange student would agree with me. It is one of the most intense emotional experiences you will have in your life, and if there is ever a time you want to just scream your feelings out, it's in the very beginning of an experience abroad. The one time when you can't, because it seems like no one understands you and you don't understand anyone. It's the first months when you need your best friends the most, and they are farther away than ever. It's the one time when you need the most hugs, but you don't know anybody well enough to hug them and just cry if you need to. So, for me, writing out all my feelings was really my only option. 

The months went by, slowly but surely, and I began to build a life here. I started ballet, I learned my way around the city, I started running by myself, and most of all, I learned the language. I got better and better and better, and every day I felt more confident. So, as living became less stressful and everything seemed to become easier, the need for a stress reliever became less necessary. Instead of writing in my journal and on my blog once a day, I did it once a week, then a couple times a month, and then I was lucky to remember to do it once a month.

Of course, I want this year to be perfectly documented so I can remember all the little details for the rest of my life. My blog will always be something to look at to see how I grew and matured throughout the year. It would have been ideal to have had written something once a week every week. I wish I had, but being so integrated into my life here, it's hard to 'perfectly' document it all.

Each day, it feels more and more like this is my real life, and I like to think of it that way. I get into this mindset, this 'Argentinian' mindset, where everything is in Spanish and Ar-hen-tee-nah is my home. When I start to document everything, it takes me out of that mindset and I remember that this life is only temporary, and it feels like a long trip instead of a lifestyle. If it were my life for real, I wouldn't be typing out all the things I did throughout the week. And I don't exactly like being pulled away from my Argentinian mentality. It's like the feeling you get when you're 'on a roll' and you don't wanna just stop in the middle of something. I like believing that Spanish is the language I speak and that there isn't life without mate tea and empanadas. So that is why I slack so much on updating my blog and my journal and such. I just don't need it anymore, and instead of helping me get through the tough times, in a way, it feels like it makes it hard to enjoy the good ones.

Something that I have noticed is that my thoughts this year are so black and white. One minute I want to live here the rest of my life and the next, the only thing I want is to see my home again and be with my family. I feel like if I were to argue with myself about whether I am more happy about going home or more upset about leaving, I wouldn't be able to win either way. Although, I do think it is easier to express in words all the great things I have at home. For some reason, it is really difficult to explain my love for my life here. For someone on the outside, it would seem like there are many more advantages about living in America. The valuable things about my life here are just indescribable. I don't think I could ever explain them in words to anyone, and I will just have to be the only one to ever understand. They are just feelings that I get when I'm with my friends and family here. They are feelings that remind me of all that I've accomplished this year. When I say something in Spanish without even thinking, and realize that I'm fluent in another language. Or when I am sitting in math class explaining the problems to my classmates, and I get to be the one that understands. Or when I sit with a group of people and we all die laughing while talking about memories we've made, and I'm the one serving the mate. These feelings are ones that I wont ever be able to experience at home, and they are what I will miss most about living in Argentina.

Then, there are the other side of my thoughts and feelings. The complete opposite mindset I can get in. The one where I just want to be home already. I realize how much home means to me and that I will never want to live in another place. I think about that moment when I hug my friends for the first time. Those first few weeks when I'm sure that every little thing about home will be extremely exciting. Those times I'll spend doing everything that I've missed out on doing this past year. Floating the river, late nights with best friends, going downtown, biking on the river trail, going to cross country work outs. When I think about all this, I seem to have no problem going back home.

So since it's been so long since I have documented anything, I might as well explain what life's routine is like these days. While everyone at home is out tanning by the pool or floating the river and going around in shorts and tanks, I'm bundling up and snuggling next to the heaters in 50 degree weather. Yeah, it's freezing cold. It doesn't really bother me though; I like sweatshirts. I also love the food we eat in the winter. My host mom makes a delicious soup that I never get tired of eating, and sipping mate while eating oatmeal and cinnamon is perfect on a cold afternoon. On weekdays, I wake up at 6:30 and go to school, and...

...On Mondays: I get out of school at 1:30, walk home, and go to ballet from 3 to 5. Then, I get home and cook dinner and do little chores around the house because my host mom works all day in Buenos Aires and always gets home late and tired. I like when I can have the house all clean and dinner ready when she gets home. I also really enjoy cooking dinner; I'm actually getting a lot better at it.

...On Tuesdays: I get out of school at 1, walk home, and go on a run. Then I have all afternoon free and I end up occupying myself with something. Usually doing little errands for my host mom. Like going to the grocery store, which is actually kinda fun. I get ideas for cooking and I like exploring the things we don't have in our grocery stores at home.

...On Wednesdays: I get out at 2:30, walk home, and meet Zac at 4ish in the park for a run. Wednesdays seem to be the only day that work out, so we go running and share our exchange student stories. I'm really going to miss those Wednesday runs/venting sessions. Then, from 7 to 9, I go to ballet. Wednesdays are exhausting.

...On Thursdays: I am at school literally ALL DAY. I get out at 5:30 on Thursdays, walk home, and turn into a blob. Thursday afternoons I just completely relax, and sometimes take naps. Sometimes I'll help in the kitchen also.

...On Fridays: I get out at 12, walk home, and go on a run. Then I have the rest of the afternoon for whatever I need to do, which is sometimes cook, or just relax. Lately it's been about making bracelets, which I'll explain later. Then, from 7 to 9:30, I go to ballet. Rehearsal has been pretty intense lately because on July 9th we perform in the theater. I'm getting nervous!

On weekends, there is usually some sort of get together or little party. The past few weekends I've been over at Pedro's house. I feel really comfortable over there, and his family has really been really warm and welcoming towards me. I know that when I come back to Argentina I will make sure I stay over there for a period of time, and I know I will really really miss his family. One day, we dyed my hair with little pink streaks. Of course, it was temporary dye and it already came out, but it was super cool while it lasted. Then, the other weekend, we ran a race that was about 6.5 kilometers. It was definitely a little different from the other races I've ran, but I finished pretty fast, and Pedro, not being a runner, did super good! I could tell he finished totally wiped out, but I'm proud of him for just doing it.

Back to the bracelets. I started getting really good at making bracelets with all these cool colored strings. It has a waxy texture, so the bracelets turn out really tough and never break. I used to make them when I felt like it and it was a fun little hobby, but then when I realized that I hadn't been paying for ballet at all and I owed a TON of money to the dance studio, I started selling them. It wasn't hard to sell them at all, and I made 350 pesos in just two weeks! That would be about 80ish dollars. They are actually super fun to make, and I'll probably keep trying to sell them when I get home.

So I'm going to go continue being an Argentinian, and stop thinking and writing in English, and go back to living in Spanish. I will still do my best to keep this updated though!